“In a recent viral article for British Vogue; writer Chanté Joseph asked the question; Is it embarrassing to have a boyfriend now? The article has provoked a huge response, both positive and negative, and is basically a meme now. As it continues to spark discussion and debate, it’s fair to say that we are standing in the midst of a cultural moment…” Read more at Woman Alive Magazine.
Remember that break-up letter you wrote (or thought of writing) but never sent – which served as catharsis and closure, more than as a means of communication? After that bad relationship ended (badly) which you knew you never should have been in.
And remember that feeling you had deep down, that told you so clearly that something wasn’t right, but you couldn’t quite prove it. Literally it ‘told you so’.
All the things you wish you could have said with calm certainty at the time but couldn’t. Well, here’s how that might go…
Dear Ex,
I’ve seriously wondered whether I should write to you, but I’ve decided it’s important to bring things to light. I’ve realised that I was intuitively aware at the end of our relationship, and with increasing clarity since we broke up; that you had been seeing other women while we were still together. Obviously I can’t know the details without you telling me but my guess is that it started in early December and culminated with our break up. I was highly conscious that the dynamic between us was changing during December and that things increasingly didn’t add up. Then the energy and connection suddenly disappeared in early January, of course this was because you had rejected me and become involved with someone else or were in a new relationship – before we had officially broken up.
As part of exploring a relationship and dating I thought I had been completely honest and upfront about communicating my values and expectations. While you did indicate your own approach, I didn’t receive the same level of openness from you. We always seemed to find communication difficult, and we often got caught in a cycle of talking about our opposing perspectives, with no resolution; rather than being able to openly establish if we were compatible and a relationship was viable. In hindsight it now seems like this was a smokescreen to avoid dealing with any sensible talk and exploration of compatibility and commitment.
You turned on me after Christmas, pushing me away, provoking me in order to force a break up and then finally using the argument we had where I laid reality for us on the table, against me. You blamed me for your withdrawal of affection, using me as a scapegoat – rather than taking any responsibility for yourself. In the few weeks that followed you used your new involvement/relationship to taunt me and deliberately wound me – you wanted me to know that I had been replaced. I not only found this incredibly devious, but also cruel. I never meant you any harm, and in fact against my better judgment I chose to think the best of you right up to the end. I now realise that this was a big mistake.
We were probably both aware that a relationship between us wasn’t going anywhere, and that as well as having little in common, we also had very different values and perspectives on life and relationships. With this in mind I find it even more difficult to understand why you didn’t simply end things when you realised it wasn’t going anywhere for you and had begun to explore other options. For my part, although I was still hopeful something might change, I could have acted sooner to end things. I just had so much on my plate with a new job, moving house etc that I couldn’t really face a break up as well until the new year.
However, all this would have been nothing compared to the sting in the tail that it was to realise with absolute clarity that you had cheated on me, had overlapped me. The fact that things weren’t going well anyway doesn’t serve as an adequate excuse and although this might be normal for you, I see it as cowardly to end a relationship in this way; it goes against basic human decency, maturity and respect. It was deeply hurtful.
I hope that in future you can find it in yourself to treat the women you date, and break up with, better. But I also want you to know that despite the pain you have caused me and the lack of closure it produced, I forgive you, and in all sincerity I hope you find what you’re looking for, and can be happy. Given all this, friendship isn’t an option, so I respectfully ask that you don’t contact me again, unless it is to apologise.
Wishing you all the best.
© Alexandra Noel – All rights reserved. 11th May 2022
This article was originally published in 2016 as ‘The Two-Timing Texter’ for Girl About Town on Threads UK. Read on below:
I was fairly late to the dating game. For a long time I believed that my future husband would just pitch up at the right moment, without much action needed from me. Not much action that is, apart from focusing on being faithful and good, and waiting patiently for Mr Right, without complaining too much. I wasn’t hung up on it, but if I’m honest, deep down that’s what I believed.
After years of Not Much on the man front, apart from a few flirtations and a bit of heartbreak, something in me snapped. I was totally disillusioned, [as a Christian this was] mostly with God, who I thought should have brought someone along by now. I’d been good, I’d made sacrifices! And He’d let me down! I felt disempowered. I hadn’t felt permission to try, fail, and then do better next time. I wasn’t a complete rooky, but I’d never learnt how to make confident decisions in this area of life, and I wanted to get experience. I wanted dating to feel more ‘normal’.
So in protest I rebelled – against waiting, and against being faithful and good. It was a bit chaotic at first, but I got something out of my system. Then I became more intentional with my dating. And so I went online. I filled out my profile, then held my breath and watched to see what would happen.
I got in touch with a guy who’d sent me a great first message: a bit forward perhaps, but I liked his honesty. After a couple of failed attempts to meet up, we arranged a date for after work the next week.
I was on holiday with a big group of friends at the time, and mentioned my date with this guy, let’s call him ‘Jonny’. He even lived round the corner from my office – fancy that?!
Later that evening, a woman I’d only met that week on the holiday drew me away for a chat.
“This guy you’ve got a date with next week, he wouldn’t happen to be called Jonny Smith, would he?”
Um, yes. Why do you ask?
“Um well, I’ve been dating him for the last two months.”
Oh.
The small size of the Christian dating pool had exposed this guy’s two-timing. So what to do now?
I texted him the next day, and after a lot of excuses and wrangling I received a grovelling apology written in excellent ‘Christianese’. Words like ‘sacrifice’, ‘integrity’ and ‘altar’ featured heavily. Needless to say, I didn’t go on that date with Jonny. But he did contact me a few months later to say that he’d now broken up with the other girl, and would I meet him after all? Not a chance.
There are more stories I could tell; but after my first foray into online (Christian) dating, I’ve definitely learnt a few things and gained valuable experience. Here are a few things I’ve figured out:
• Although it’s important to get experience, dating for experience-only is not a good idea. You’re likely to make compromises with who you date, and what you expect from them. Date people who you genuinely fancy and could see a future with.
• If something doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t. It’s important to listen to your ‘gut’. How we feel about things is valid, and can even be a warning sign. Listen to yourself and trust your instincts.
• Involve your friends. We need community – one of the catches I found with online dating is that although you get to meet a wider group of people and create more opportunities, it’s as if this takes place in a vacuum. You often only have a profile, some photos, and your limited experience of someone to go on.
• Even though someone ticks the ‘Christian’ box, and plays guitar in the worship band, and says grace before a meal, they can still lack one major thing. Character. When it comes down to the way someone behaves towards you, how much they value you, and what you can expect from them, it takes character to set someone apart from the rest. It really is as important as they say it is. Oh, and a whole lot of chemistry.
There’s a lot of good Christian teaching on this subject, but some of our understanding isn’t always 100 per cent biblical. We may have absorbed a mixture of Christian culture, interpretation and Church rhetoric as well, which has shaped our values. It’s always worth questioning things, and with the help of the Holy Spirit, weighing them against the Bible. I’m really struck by the stories of women in the Bible, and how Jesus empowered them, even if their culture didn’t. There are lots of stories of women being audacious – for their culture and their time – in their boldness. If you feel disempowered, and find yourself obligated to take a passive role in dating look again at those biblical stories.
© Alexandra Noel / Threads UK – All rights reserved. 2nd March 2016.
Alex Noel 