Remember that break-up letter you wrote (or thought of writing) but never sent – which served as catharsis and closure, more than as a means of communication? After that bad relationship ended (badly) which you knew you never should have been in.
And remember that feeling you had deep down, that told you so clearly that something wasn’t right, but you couldn’t quite prove it. Literally it ‘told you so’.
All the things you wish you could have said with calm certainty at the time but couldn’t. Well, here’s how that might go…
Dear Ex,
I’ve seriously wondered whether I should write to you, but I’ve decided it’s important to bring things to light. I’ve realised that I was intuitively aware at the end of our relationship, and with increasing clarity since we broke up; that you had been seeing other women while we were still together. Obviously I can’t know the details without you telling me but my guess is that it started in early December and culminated with our break up. I was highly conscious that the dynamic between us was changing during December and that things increasingly didn’t add up. Then the energy and connection suddenly disappeared in early January, of course this was because you had rejected me and become involved with someone else or were in a new relationship – before we had officially broken up.
As part of exploring a relationship and dating I thought I had been completely honest and upfront about communicating my values and expectations. While you did indicate your own approach, I didn’t receive the same level of openness from you. We always seemed to find communication difficult, and we often got caught in a cycle of talking about our opposing perspectives, with no resolution; rather than being able to openly establish if we were compatible and a relationship was viable. In hindsight it now seems like this was a smokescreen to avoid dealing with any sensible talk and exploration of compatibility and commitment.
You turned on me after Christmas, pushing me away, provoking me in order to force a break up and then finally using the argument we had where I laid reality for us on the table, against me. You blamed me for your withdrawal of affection, using me as a scapegoat – rather than taking any responsibility for yourself. In the few weeks that followed you used your new involvement/relationship to taunt me and deliberately wound me – you wanted me to know that I had been replaced. I not only found this incredibly devious, but also cruel. I never meant you any harm, and in fact against my better judgment I chose to think the best of you right up to the end. I now realise that this was a big mistake.
We were probably both aware that a relationship between us wasn’t going anywhere, and that as well as having little in common, we also had very different values and perspectives on life and relationships. With this in mind I find it even more difficult to understand why you didn’t simply end things when you realised it wasn’t going anywhere for you and had begun to explore other options. For my part, although I was still hopeful something might change, I could have acted sooner to end things. I just had so much on my plate with a new job, moving house etc that I couldn’t really face a break up as well until the new year.
However, all this would have been nothing compared to the sting in the tail that it was to realise with absolute clarity that you had cheated on me, had overlapped me. The fact that things weren’t going well anyway doesn’t serve as an adequate excuse and although this might be normal for you, I see it as cowardly to end a relationship in this way; it goes against basic human decency, maturity and respect. It was deeply hurtful.
I hope that in future you can find it in yourself to treat the women you date, and break up with, better. But I also want you to know that despite the pain you have caused me and the lack of closure it produced, I forgive you, and in all sincerity I hope you find what you’re looking for, and can be happy. Given all this, friendship isn’t an option, so I respectfully ask that you don’t contact me again, unless it is to apologise.
Wishing you all the best.
© Alexandra Noel – All rights reserved. 11th May 2022
Alex Noel 